There Is In Fact a Wrong Way to Eat a Reese's

So let it be said that I have not made an entry on this blog in quite some time. And those that I have made have been few & far between. And while the entries that I have made have been nothing of a current nature, they have all been entertaining to the scumbaggery & the righteous alike. They have been tales hoisted from the past adventures of Foulio the Pirate, in his lifestyle of disreputable fortunes. That being said, the following is the report of an equally true story from my teenagehood, that could have happened to anyone, nonetheless it did indeed happen to me.
Anyone born before the mid-eighties will likely remember a series of commercials by the Reese’s Peanut Buttercup Co. That claimed “there’s no wrong way to eat a Reese’s” . Well at some point during said campaign I was remanded, dubiously & against my will, to the care of Baywood Psychiatric Hospital in Houston, TX. During the forty two days spent incarcerated in this facility, witness was borne to many & myriad of manor of human strangeness. On this particular day I was in the cafeteria with the rest of the adolescent unit when “Crazy” Kim (a name used more liberally, in comparison to Kim Oliver & Kim Sandoval who also inhabited the adolescent ward at Baywood) decided that she would visit the candy machine with her disposable income.
Crazy Kim returned to her seat just a few spaces down from myself with her afternoon delight and proceeded to peel the Halloween colored package open ever so slowly, revealing her treats in a seductive spectacle true to form for the mental hospital crowd. She then picked up one whole peanut butter cup & placed it delicately inside her mouth & did not chew, simply held it just so. She then began to methodically break the other cup into pie-like pieces in front of her.
Noticing this neurotically tantalizing procedure, staff overseer Mr. Laythom caught eyes with the young mental patient. (It is at this point that it should be mentioned that James Laythom was a gargantuously swollen human being that not only had previous occupations as both an NFL player for the Houston Oilers and a prison guard, but that he also had a PHD in psychology) Raising his over-sized arm and pointing at Crazy Kim, he shouted across the lunchroom “Kim, you will eat your Reese’s the right way, or you will not eat them at all!”.
Now, red blooded American & unjustly interred mental patient that I was, I felt that I was seeing my opening. An opening that possibly had never been opened before and would likely never open again… For Anyone, So against my better judgment, (and against the better judgment of many a man who have ever come up against the authority of James Laythom) I interjected, boisterously & for all the room to hear… “But Mr. Laythom, there’s no wrong way to eat a Reese’s!”
Re: “Mr. Capra, you will Not finish your lunch. You will go back to the ward & sit in time out”
… And that’s the day I found out that, at least in Houston Texas, there is in fact a “wrong” way to eat a Reese’s.